Never Let Snake Call Contacts Drunk
by Mr. BramStoker
Summary: The title says it all, plus a surprise twist at the end! PS: Due to some raunchy humor, references of BDSM, LGBT and other naughty NSFW stuff, this fic is considered prohibited for the youngest generation. Reader discretion is STRONGLY advised.


**Never Let Snake Call Contacts Drunk**

**Call No. 1: Olga Gurulokovich**

BRRING! BRRING!

"Ugh… just when I was in the middle of my dream about winning the Russian ski race…" Olga groaned, sleepily turning on her desklight and picked up the phone. "hello?" Olga mumbled

"Haaaaayyyyyyyy Olga, wassssuuuppp girl, how y'all doin, biatch? Who you been humpin' these days?" Snake slurred drunkenly, Olga palming her forehead in embarrassment.

"Snake… are you drunk again? I thought Meryl warned you…" Olga started before a loud flatulence noise occurred over the phone, followed by raucous laughter.

"HAHAHAHAHAHA! Heheheh… girl, did you-did you just hear that? I just blew a trombone through my butt! 'cause… cause I'm sexy and I'm a man's man!" Snake rambled like an idiot, eventually falling off his couch and landed on top of his hammock.

"Snake, why don't you make this easy for yourself and go to sleep? You're drunk, you don't know what the bloody hell you're even **saying** and…" Olga started before her cell phone buzzed. Rolling her eyes, Olga turned on her cell phone to see a photo of Snake butt naked.

"Did you get the photo, gurl? Does my ass look grade-A material?" Snake asked, his large wiener growing like rodents of unusual size.

"Ugh… I give up. Goodnight Snake, I'll see you in the morning…" Olga yawned, hanging up before dropping her head on her pillow and snoring.

"Olga? Hey, you there?" Snake echoed, only to hear the dial tone. Snake shrugged and flipped through his black book for somebody else to drunk dial. A sadistic grin formed on his face as he found his next victim…

**Call No. 2: Meryl Silverburgh (round 1)**

BRRING! BRRING! BRRING!

"Hello, you have reached the voicemail for Meryl Silverburgh. Sorry I cant take your call, but leave a message and I'll get back to you. And if your name is Liquid… please hang up."

BEEP!

"Haaaaaayyyyy Merrryyyllll… wassup biatch? How's you doing? Just wantin ta make a lil phone cawl and I'mma kinda drunk by noon or sassafrass… uh, I forgot diddly doo. So, what ya doing?" Snake asked over the voicemail.

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz… **snore** Zzzzzzzzz…. **more snoring**" Meryl snored, as she was sound asleep in her bed, holding onto her teddy bear.

"Uhhhh… yoo hooo? Any of you lovely sexy haranguing bitches at home? I gots a large ass pizza with yo names on it! Hey Meryl, Meryl! I-I I just peed your name over my ass!" Snake guffawed loudly, only for him to be responded with more snoring.

"mmm… oh, oh, oh Snake… mmm, put a bun in my oven…" Meryl mumbled in her sleep, moving over to the other half of her bed. "AHA! So you wuz thinkin bout me while you wuz off in Never never dream land, eh? Welllll, listen me to you, wissy mise guy! I'mma come riiigggghhhttt ovah there to you gazebo and I'ma put that lil bunny bread in yo oven, so's we can have some little squirrels roaming round the ass room!" Snake chuckled drunkenly, hanging up.

**Call No. 3: Naomi Hunter**

BRRING! BRRING! BRRING! BRRING!

"Hey girls! This is Naomi Hunter, president of the Solid Snake Lesbian Girls' Club! So sorry if I can't make it to the phone, I'm probably snoozing or having a threesome with my ladies. So leave a message and I'll give you an extra heap of kisses, LGBT style! Love you baby doll!"

BEEP!

"Hayyyy Naomi bbe… whats the happening round here? Heh… who you been screwing around these past days? Did ya get anotha bundle o' joy?" Snake blubbered as Naomi soundly slept in her bed, sucking her thumb in her sleep while her SSLGC members slept next to her. Did I mention Naomi's mattress is XXXXXXXXXXXXL large? Good. Now you know and knowing is half the…

**GET ON WITH IT!**

BANG!

Sorry folks, interruption from the Peanut Gallery. Moving on!

"so Naomi… I's been thinkin… we should screw each other on missions, k? You get what I'm tryin to tell you? I mean, we's like the Kardashian sisters… or the Jonas Brothers minus what's his name. Heh… I just love pies. Heheheh. That's a funny word. Pies. Pies pies pies. Hey, you know what's funnier than pies? **Penis**. GAhahahhahahhahahaha! My dick is now even larger thanks to the vodka bottle I just drank! Hahahahaha… god, I want to fuck you soooooooo bad…" Snake rambled as Naomi snored loudly, her snoring tuning out Snake's drunk rambling.

**Call No. 5 Meryl Silverburgh (round 2)**

BRRING! BRRING!

"mmm… Hello? Is this BDSM Unlimited?" Meryl asked sleepily, rubbing her tired eyes.

"Hayyyy Meryl, wassup girl? How you doing, biatch?" Snake slurred

"Oh good, it's that guy from the BDSM store! Listen, I wanted to make a request: ok screw that, a **ton** of requests: I'd like a metal chastity belt diaper, new bondage gear, an adult girl crib, uh… a whip, some semen samples… and a vibrator." Meryl listed as Snake then felt an agonizing feeling.

"oh and you know that guy I sent over to my pad last night? Turns out he's a transsexual! How awesome is **that?!** I always, **always** wanted to fuck a transvestite from transsexual Transylvania!" Meryl rambled crazily, faking a loud, raucous guitar riff and even sending photos of her breasts.

"uh… sure, listen Meryl, I…" Snake started before some gasping echoed over the phone, followed by a wild deranged cackle from Meryl, followed swiftly by **something** spraying out from **something** else… and then it ended with Meryl sighing and drifting back to sleep with a childish smile on her face.

Snake quickly hung up after that and declared "No more martinis after midnight for me."

**BONUS CALL: Anonymous Caller, from Unidentified Region Named Mordor**

BRRRING! BRRRING! BRRRING!

"Who is this?" Sauron asked in his demonic legion voice.

"Uh… My name is Solid Snake, and I'm having a little uble-tray with my enis-pay. Can you ixnay on the ecstasy-say?" Snake replied, smoking a pot of weed through a bong.

"WHAT?" Sauron exclaimed, mortified beyond belief. "Yeah, and dude, like, I just, like, found this cool ring and dude, like, I am, like, **totally** placing this on my dick." Snake exclaimed as deep horror filled Sauron, the view going way way **WAAAYYY** back beyond Mordor as he screamed in despair.

"*NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!*"


End file.
